Hedgehog Completes Census of One Garden

A hedgehog has completed what it describes as a full and final census of a single back garden in the suburbs, following four nights of continuous fieldwork conducted almost entirely at ankle height.

The published figures cover the whole plot. Two hundred and eleven slugs, of which forty-one were assessed as promising. Nine gaps in the fence, of which two are usable and one is aspirational. One patch of decking described in the notes as loud. The compost heap has been recorded as a region rather than a feature, and appears in the report under its own heading.

Methodology has been questioned. The hedgehog counted after dark, moved slowly, and admits to having covered the flower bed three separate times without recognising it, which it says is a limitation of the survey and not of the surveyor. The household cat, approached for comment, was recorded in the census as an obstruction.

The hedgehog has confirmed that the work is complete and will not be repeated, then began the same route again shortly after eleven, on the grounds that conditions had changed, that the slugs had moved, and that a census is only ever true for one night anyway.