Badger Denies Involvement in Missing Garden Gnome

A badger has firmly denied any part in the disappearance of a ceramic gnome from a rockery on Alder Lane, describing the accusation as lazy, circumstantial, and typical of a species that leaves food outside and then acts surprised.

The gnome, thirty-one centimetres and holding a small fishing rod, was last seen on Tuesday evening. The badger confirmed being present in the garden that night, as it is most nights, and pointed out that this proves attendance and nothing else. Asked directly whether it had moved the gnome, the badger said it had moved a great many things, and that the ones it moves are, as a rule, edible.

The household's own account has not helped. The gnome was found on Thursday under a hedge two gardens along, upright, undamaged, and facing the pond, which the badger's representative called the least badger-like arrangement of a stolen object ever recorded.

No further action is expected. The badger has asked only that the record show it walked past the rockery four times that week and left the gnome exactly where it stood, adding that it has never in its life wanted a smaller creature to fish for it.