Fiction Useless Inventions
The Slow Torch
A handsome aluminium torch whose beam arrives about three seconds after you point it, so you are always shown where you were looking rather than where you are looking.
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Fiction Animal News — Fiction
Duck Files Noise Complaint Against Fountain
The fountain has run since April. The duck has held the north bank since March, and says that order of arrival is the whole point.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Indoor Sundial
A properly engineered brass sundial for the living room, sold with its own small torch, because a sundial indoors has to get its sunlight from somewhere.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Rewinding Bookmark
A silk bookmark that creeps three pages backwards every night, on the grounds that you were not really paying attention the first time.
Fiction Animal News — Fiction
Heron Issues Statement Regarding the Six Hours
The bird stood in eleven centimetres of water from dawn until early afternoon and wishes to make clear that this was, at all times, work.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Findable Keyring
A keyring that beeps, flashes and vibrates so you can locate it, and does all three only while it is already in your hand.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Almost-Done Progress Bar
A polished brass desk object with one glowing bar that has sat at 97 percent since the day it was made, connected to nothing and finishing nothing.
Fiction Animal News — Fiction
Sea Otter Announces Recall of Entire Pebble Collection
Four stones, three chipped, and one otter with extremely firm opinions about what should and should not be used to open a clam.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Second-Opinion Mirror
A full-length mirror that waits until you have walked away, then offers a short, studiously non-committal opinion on your outfit.
Fiction Useless Inventions
A Kettle That Whistles in Latin
It boils water just fine. It also conjugates verbs.