The Snooze Negotiator

Every morning, in bedrooms everywhere, the same quiet negotiation takes place. The alarm goes off. A hand emerges from under the duvet, finds the snooze button without opening a single eye, and presses it with the confidence of someone who has done this thousands of times. Nine minutes later, the negotiation begins again. The Snooze Negotiator does not stop you from snoozing. It simply asks you to make your case.

It looks like an elegant bedside clock, made of pale wood with a round face and a soft amber light. Beneath the face is a small fold-out keyboard. When the alarm sounds and you reach for snooze, the screen lights up with a polite question: please state the reason for your request. You may type your answer, or speak it aloud if your fingers are not yet awake. The clock considers your submission in silence for eleven seconds.

Reasons are graded on a scale. Warm is accepted without argument, as is it is still dark. Five more minutes is rejected at once, on the grounds that it is not a reason but a number. More detailed arguments, such as I was dreaming something important about a lighthouse and need to find out how it ends, are usually approved, but a follow-up question may appear when you wake again: and how did it end? Answers are stored.

The clock also keeps a record. At the end of each week it prints a small summary on a strip of paper, showing the total number of snoozes, the most successful argument and a chart of how your excuses have developed over time. Some users report that their reasons have become remarkably creative. One described her weekly strip as the best thing she had written all year. Another admitted he now sets his alarm twenty minutes early purely for the debate.

There is a premium version with a panel of three judges, represented by three little lights, which occasionally split two to one. There is also a family edition that allows another member of the household to appeal your snooze from the kitchen. The manufacturer strongly advises against using this edition with teenagers, or with anyone who knows how to unplug a clock.

The joke is about a real and very common battle. That heavy, foggy feeling in the first minutes after waking has a name, sleep inertia. It can make thinking slow and decisions poor for a while after the alarm, which is exactly the state in which people are asked to decide whether to get up. It is no wonder the snooze button tends to win the argument.

Sleep scientists often point out that snoozing does not give you much real rest. Each short burst of dozing is broken up by the alarm again, so the extra minutes tend to be light and fragmented rather than deeply restoring. Many recommend setting the alarm for the time you actually need to rise, and keeping that time steady from day to day, so that your body clock can start preparing you before the alarm goes off. It is less entertaining than arguing with a clock, but it tends to work better.