Crumbdiplomacy

crumbdiplomacy (n.) — KRUM-dip-loh-ma-see. The extended and entirely silent bargaining that surrounds the final biscuit, chip or slice, conducted through posture, timing and the careful avoidance of eye contact.

From crumb, and diplomacy, in the strict sense of a negotiation in which no participant may state their position. The rules are not written down anywhere and are known perfectly by everyone in the room, including guests, including children, including the one person who insists they are not hungry.

The standard moves are well documented. There is the offer, made to the table at large and meant to be declined. There is the split, in which the last item becomes two smaller items and the problem is halved rather than solved. There is the long wait, in which the plate is allowed to sit for so long that eating the biscuit becomes an act of mercy towards the biscuit. And there is the loss, in which somebody simply eats it, and the room silently reclassifies them.

Usage: Forty minutes of crumbdiplomacy ended when the youngest present took the biscuit without ceremony, and the negotiations were quietly recorded as a failure by everybody except her.